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Surrender. Fall. Stand tall.

We all carry baggage of some kind from our past. How that baggage has been dealt with differs from person to person in many unique ways. Ever since I embarked on this journey with letting yoga come into my life and become more of a lifestyle. Things have changed in ways I did not always expect. I have become more open, more allowing and more accepting in letting myself trust the process. I believe that things I have gone through somehow made an impact within me on a cellular level I can’t explain. I’m trying to not be so hard on myself. I can at times feel sadness, grief even pains at times coming flushing over me. Not really having a clue why they come up. At times I can be aware of what might trigger them. But sometimes they just come. I might not have lived or dealt with things in my life in the ways one should have accordingly to others. But I have done what I had to or thought I had to do in order to just survive at certain times. Keeping my head above the surface. I have days I’m less kind to myself and wished I could have handled things more differently. I try to remind myself I did what I thought was for best. This is most likely the reason that things from the past come back for a visit every now and then. Most times when I least expect it. I have come to terms with allowing myself to accept that what has been had been and all that I can do now is to do the best I can with the present. To just let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling. It is hard though. Not putting up that wall inside. Like I’m used too. I’m good at building up walls to protect me and loved ones. But what happens when they crack? When too many waves hit the wall? When everything inside keeps building up and somehow find the cracks and comes in uninvited. My mind might think just be happy and all smiles. Don’t give in to what is dark and heavy. Just let it all go. Don’t dwell. Just be done with it now. Every time I tried to push them feelings away, I end up with heavier and darker feelings within building up. That’s how I’m used to dealing with certain things at times. Just trying to move on, thinking positive, bury it down with sand and keep moving forward. Thinking I have dealt with it but not realizing, putting it aside is the same thing as procrastinating. It won’t be gone just because you are putting the focus on other things. It will still be there. I have noticed that even when things in my life are better than I could ever have hoped for. These feelings tend to show up again. Not letting me live my life to its fullest.  The wind will somehow always be present at the sea and small waves will be turning into bigger waves at some point. Because that is how it should be. Reminds me of a quote I read somewhere that “Nothing remains constant except change itself”. At times I feel caught in invisible claws, holding me back. These emotions are keeping me imprisoned. Somehow it all gets manifested to psychological then into the physical parts of me. It hinders me from becoming the best me I can be. It is tiring. It is as if there’s a part of me that feels it wants to be happy and loving all sunshine and simply to just be me.  But somehow it gets blocked when the darkness comes for a visit. I don’t always know how to deal with what is given. I would not be me without that has been but somehow I wish I could find ways to not be held so tight by its fast grip and not be hit so hard when that wall cracks within. I am slowly finding my ways, but it is a long process. Today I chose to just let myself feel. Let that dark wave wallow over me over and over until it is done with me. It is exhausting. But I know it won’t destroy me. Somehow it comes to me for a purpose I believe. Once I let it flush over me, I can catch my breath again and somehow feel a little bit lighter, even if just for a second or two. Yes, it might come back but that’s my baggage with all its mess I’m trying to make some sense and order of. Learning the lessons given to be learned. That is okey. I’m doing my best to live the best life I can with what has been given. And I go after what my heart truly desires, not giving in. Letting the waves wash over me until the sea is done with my seawall, maybe this is the way for me to be set free from them claws holding on so tight. Trying to not fight it anymore just allowing myself to surrender to it come what may. What if letting myself truly fall is the only way to land and from there rise up and stand tall. Been trying so hard to not fall, to keep my wall strong and tall, but that is a fight that’s exhausting. Trusting the process this time. That this time maybe a fight is not what is needed of me. Instead just let myself surrender to it all and trust to simply let go and fall. Trusting the process. That I will land and stand up tall. Embracing the waves and just learn to float and swim through, somehow learn to surf them and be set free.

Shine on //

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