Over one and a half year ago I was on my way to Bali, to attend a yoga teacher training (YTT) course with All Yoga. It was not an easy decision to make for many reasons, to sign up for this teacher training. But I had decided in my heart that the year of 2016 was my time to do something for myself. Yoga had already become more of a lifestyle for me and had been for quite some time and I felt I wanted to deepen my practice even further. My intention was perhaps not to take the course to specifically become a yoga teacher. But to do it for me, a stepping stone to something new. I needed this to be a new chapter in my life, to let go of what was in need to be gone from my life. As months passed by during 2016, I felt that urge grow even stronger. I was in need of a timeout from everything that had been and was going on in my life at that time. On the outside, one might see me as always smiling, not really noticing the thunderstorms inside. I felt it became harder to keep the glue that was holding my broken pieces together strong. I knew in my heart it was time to make a change.
Many say that graduating from a yoga teacher training course will change your life, sounds like a cliché. But for me, it did in so many ways.
I have lived with chronical pain since what feels like forever – side effects from earlier sickness in my life. That has, in many ways, limited me even if I don’t want to admit it. I have learned to adapt my way of living because of it. But at times, I also feel imprisoned because of it. Taking that Yoga Teacher Training course was an opportunity to challenge myself, my body, mind and soul, and prove to myself somehow that I can do anything I want. That the pain does not define nor control me.
Of course, I had my doubts if my body would be able to cope. But at the same time, I felt I had to give it a go. I knew I had the mindset to push through if only my body would cooperate. And if not, at least I would have given it my best.
I had to break free from old patterns and routines and create a new me in some ways. Because I could no longer carry on in the same manners without tearing apart any further.
During my training, I surely got tested. Willpower, pushing through pain, ability to focus, holding postures, priorities, family, strength. I had to step out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Building confidence in who I am as a person and finding my own voice in new unfamiliar ways. The training is irreplaceable and beyond what I ever could have asked for, thanks to my wonderful teachers and fellow students who became my friends, who helped me get through it in ways they most likely do not even know. I’m forever grateful.
After the training was completed I had become physically stronger, but also stronger mentally and emotionally too. I felt that I got my strength back. I am so grateful that I was fortunate to do this for myself. To be honest, I don’t know where I would be today had I not gone on my Teacher Training course. In many ways it saved me. I was at a point in my life where I felt I was just treading water to keep my head up above the surface.
But the best part was that I proved to myself that I could do it. That I completed it! I graduated the Yoga Teacher Training. I made it through despite all the obstacles that were present at the time. Body, mind and soul united. After completing it all, I felt so proud of myself. I invested in myself and I got to feel the joy of it by have doing so. I don’t think I have ever felt that feeling before.
To stumble and fall that’s part of life, but it’s also to pick yourself up and carry on. I somehow got a new image of how much I can do and how far I can go if I just allow myself to give it my all. I am not saying life is perfect now. I still stumble and fall and struggle to keep my head above the surface at times. But I do feel I got tools, new ways to look at things acquired from the teacher training I did not have before. That now allows me to not fall as hard as before.
It was an inward journey and is still an ongoing process. Many practical yoga skills were learned and I found this new body awareness I did not have before. I feel in love with yoga even more. Found my own practice. Found my way back on track. New friends and new experiences were made and so much love and support were given and received. Memories I will carry with me in my heart forever.
It was indeed one of the best things I have ever done in my life.