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No voice

At times I find myself caught up in the moment of life and not really tuning in with myself in some aspects of life. This autumn has been very much like so. There have been so many things I wanted to do but also things I felt I had to be doing. Healthwise in many areas I have felt better than in a long time with having more energy and better sleep. But that has also meant me taking on too much. I have not had the best immune system. I keep getting sick all the time. Minor things like having a cold and sore throat never really letting go. Has been the theme I think pretty much this season so far. That itself is pretty exhausting, to never feel fully 100%. But since I still had energy and felt I had to work because of all the consequences if not working I guess I never really allowed myself getting fully well. Keep thinking it will get better, everyone is more or less dealing with colds etc, it’s that season of the year. Did my best with trying to think about what one eats, exercise, vitamins etc yet I end up getting sick? Last week was basically just like any other week. The cold and sore throat reminding me I have to slow down. And I do try to listen and make sure I don’t overdo it. Prioritizing getting enough rest is not always the easiest. And when it comes to working I keep pushing myself in so many ways. Thinking I can just rest when the weekend comes. But last week it got to the point I lost my voice basically and my cold and all just broke through what I had been trying to keep away. Without my voice and basically being sick I was forced to just stay home. Not able to work without my voice, lack of energy and body pain forced me to just remain silent and still. Very frustrating. But I guess just what I needed. I guess this is what you get when not listening, not tuning in with yourself. With constant pushing to the limit. Though I thought I listened, I thought I slowed down, I thought I adjusted my daily life. But I guess I didn’t do it enough. So here I am at home, recovering. Quite bored but also realizing I have to make a change. Can’t go through life like this anymore. I have always lived life like this. Pushing myself, and somehow always managed. But to what extent I now ask myself? The cold and all is just a symbol of the greater picture of life here. I just feel my body, life itself is telling me something.

Will I ever learn the lessons given?  I try to be mindful and that itself is good. Will I never push myself again? Probably I will. But perhaps I can be better at prioritizing my energy and push myself in areas that will do me more good. Will, I put myself first? Well, I’m working on it and I’m better at it. I know things won’t change just like that. This is not the first time I ponder upon these things. But when I look at the greater picture I do see where it all comes from. I see the changes good and bad that I accomplished so far. Things I need to work on still and that it all is in a constant change. Just like autumn is all about change, it’s a good reminder. Because for me, as long as I myself can see the changes within that itself is good. A close friend of mine recently reminded me to set my priorities straight. Something I needed to hear to redirect myself getting on the right path again. I tend to lose track every now and then but that is part of being human. Now time for me to cuddle up on the sofa with a nice warm cup of tea with lots of ginger and honey and just be.

Shine on//

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